The Unexpected Nestled in the Expected

I like presents, but I don't like surprises. Above all, I have hoped how 2021 played out in my son's life wouldn't be so. I prayed he would avoid it somehow. I wanted him to realize what I could see so clearly in his very near future. This didn't start in 2021. This started many years ago. His father and I saw the writing on the wall when he was young. We took him to therapy, doctors, military school. He saw the inside of a detention center more than once. At one point, he chose homelessness over social conformity. You do not know anguish until you hand your son a duffle bag and tell him to pack what he can and leave. I bought a bracelet that said, "You are always in my heart" that night to remind myself that I am not cold. I did it, because of how much I love him. I saw the path he would take and I began to do the only thing I could as his mother. I prayed for his safety.

I consider myself fortunate that my husband, Drew, and I were able to go for a visit Christmas 2020. I could see there were problems with his marriage. I already knew that alcohol was a primary factor. I was happy to see him and take pictures together. I was sad to see the fissures in his life that were sure to break at any moment.

Just over two months later, he called me from a number I already had in my phone labeled "jail." My mama heart sank hard. He had been arrested. Schuyler was arrested and taken into custody and remanded to the county jail without incident. I retract that statement. He has a charge of resisting arrest, so I would call that somewhat of an incident. My prayer was answered yet again.

He begged his father, grandmother, and uncle to bail him out of jail. I was so grateful he never asked me. It is soul-crushing to be on the opposite side of the theoretical table at this point. I am his advocate. That doesn't mean I am on his side. I am for his growth. I am for the change. I watch him and stay close watch as if he is under a microscope for positive change, remorse, growth.

In August 2021, he agreed to a deal where he would serve four years followed by five years probation. I needed to breathe for a while. He is lucky to get this deal, but it is a tough sell to my mama mind.

He turned twenty-six in September.

We have had some good conversations this year probably some of the best of his adult life. At one point, in November, he said the words that reminded me of the bond we had so many years ago. He said,"I really want you to know I appreciate everything you are doing right now." Just reading those words right now is a healing salve that give me energy and drive to keep going. I want to be effective. For so many years, I didn't know if I was having any effect on him at all. I gave and gave and gave.

Fast forward to December 28, 2021. During a phone call, Schuyler told me he was administered a COVID test and that probably meant he was being prepared for a transfer. It caught my breath. Why? He was truly being transferred into the "system." It was happening. It was time to open the box that I had so carefully left on the shelf, because I was already at full capacity.

On December 29, I checked his status on the county website - "released."

I didn't know where my son was. After a while, it came to me. He was transferred to the state prison system. Read that again. State. Prison. System.

Let's pause. There is no one telling me this process. I suppose I could speak to an attorney. That seems cumbersome to me, so I am taking it as it comes.

I found the website and found Schuyler's location. I have pieced it together and I am so grateful to say he was able to call me the very day he arrived. I scrambled to set up a phone account. That's a whole process, too. He will likely be at Draper for a week going through intake. Next, he will be transferred to Kilby for classification to determine what facility matches his situation. One more transfer and he will likely be where he will be for the remainder of his term.

I am mentally exhausted, but God is giving me everything I need right now and He will sustain me. I am practicing not worrying as much as possible. The regular phone calls help both of us more than words can describe.

Final nourishment for my soul was when Schuyler told me the diagram on the wall describing the differences in behaviors of different minds. I don't know if it is necessarily the "criminal" mind. I believe the word "criminal" is not widely used given the connotation. A person is more than the act that they chose to be where they are. He told me he read the different lists and saw things on each list the described himself. That awareness is where change, hopefully positive, happens. It was the best thing he could have said to me at this spot in this process. I look forward with faith and hope to what is to come. God is working all things good.